"but really, I'm just reading your blog."

There was a postcard posted on postsecret yesterday, reading: "You think I'm reading your mind... but really, I'm just reading your blog.". This thought scares me, but I love it at the same time.I know there is a vast glass ceiling on blogging, where you can end up getting some really creepy people following your blog, but then there are thoughts like this too. It kind of makes me think that although they can't quite know what your thinking, there is something that happens inside of their mind where they want to be able to know what you want in life without them explicitly telling you. It would make me really happy to be able to have the thought of someone I like reading the words that I often put a great deal of thought into, it's not that I don't know whether or not people are reading my blog, since I do know a few of my classmates and my teacher are reading it, but honestly, beyond that, I have no clue whether or not anyone else is reading it. The thought of people I don't know, or friends that I don't know are reading it scares me and gives me a sense of accomplishment at the same time. While I do have the thought that someone creepy may be reading it, there is also the thrill in finding that someone believes what I am writing is interesting enough to keep reading.

Today I feel like I'm not doing too well in my writing. I feel like the flow isn't doing as well. I didn't get too much sleep last night, but it shouldn't of been as little to affect my ability to write. Maybe the thought of someone I don't know reading this is clouding my thoughts. Don't worry, although this post is short I will be starting another momentarily, maybe a fresh start will give me a better handle on my writing and the thoughts that are occupying my head.

"I love love, I love being in love..."

Vultures.

The animals that sit and wait until something is dead to go for it.

A few years ago, I was at a different school. At about a quarter in my friend started calling me a vulture. He noticed my tendency to like someone and just not do anything about it. For a while I completely denied it. I stuck by the fact that this was completely false and I would never do that. A few months later, there was an event at the school that one of my old friends had decided to attend. I brought the idea up her. She immediately acknowledged that he was right. I sat there for quite a while thinking about it. I finally realized that he was right, and I hated it. I hate the idea that I just sit by and watch while the people I like end up with others, and often get their hearts broken. It makes me sad that people will take advantage of others like that. I know it's true though. I know I've been guilty of breaking those hearts before and that those relationships often don't end up well. It's actually part of the reason I'm at my current school.

Last year, for a large chunk of the year, I did have a really good boyfriend. He was new to the school, and a little less than a month into the school year we ended up together. We would always hang out on Saturdays and we were both really happy. For a little while in late October and early November things were breaking down a little. We weren't hanging out on Saturdays since he would always have rehearsals for a band in a program he was a part of. They finally played the gig they were rehearsing for though, and then everything went back to normal. However, in early December I was cast with the lead role in our school play. I was ecstatic. I'd had big roles before, but never in such an amazing play as this one. I mean honestly, this play is only allowed to be performed in once each year besides the running place it has in the west end of London. One other cast member was really nasty about the casting due to how she was saying she thought it should be cast before the list went up, but she was handed a little retribution by receiving a lesser role and I got the role she was saying she would get.

Unluckily, due to the usual stress from school and the load of this play I was breaking down a little bit. I can only handle so much stress at once, but that play was amazing to me and there was no way anyone would be able to convince me to give that role up. Tragically I made a large mistake. Due to the stress, our relationship was deteriorating a little bit, and then took a large blow when I said "I'm sorry I can't deal with your issues right now, there is too much on my plate to handle already!". That was a huge mistake. Even after the play was over our relationship was still declining. After that phrase he stopped telling me anything. Soon, it wasn't even fun anymore. I broke things off, it didn't go well. He had become very depressed after that phrase partially due to that, and some home life issues. That relationship was the last thing it seemed was keeping him together and he snapped.

In that decision I really learned who my real friends are. In the next month I lost the majority of my friends in that building, some of them being people I thought I would be in contact with for the rest of my life. I fell so far into this hole that I began secluding myself and focusing on one thing at a time, I spent a large amount of time in our ceramics room. I soon changed schools to my current one, and despite the loss, I love where I am now.

Despite these issues and many more that have happened before them, I love love. I love all the thoughts that accompany it. I'm not a fan of the complications that happen when things go wrong, but when things go right it's one of those feelings that everyone should be able to feel for the whole of their lives.

Only right now, I'm not a fan of battling vultures.

Goal Update

I'm not a fan of this whole "morning" thing today. So just hello cyberspace.

I'm late to school yet again today. I was rushing to get my boots and coat on as I was trying to run out the door, when I looked up and there was the bus whizzing past my house. It wasn't pleasant. The cocoa I had this morning was horribly watery, and I haven't eaten yet today either. Things aren't starting out too well today.

Despite a wretched start, yesterday turned out pretty damn good. I printed two photos, and a third is set up in the enlarger for me to print once class starts this morning, I just didn't have enough time to print it yesterday due to the end of the day and y'know, the whole need to catch a bus. One of the photos is clearly superior to the other, but I'm okay with that considering how happy I am with the better one, and the other isn't too bad either, and wanting to be less critical of myself I'm okay with that. My god that sentence was excessively long and used too many commas. Yesterday night wasn't too bad either. I ate some mac and cheese, watched some horrible tv, did a little chunk of my homework, and spent some time talking to people through Facebook, mainly friends I never see anymore. One of them is having some troubles with a nasty ex-girlfriend. He would really like if I came over to their school on my next half day and got her to back off. Honestly, she's being really nasty and turning people against him. It's not like I'd hurt her, just scare her a little. I can be pretty intimidating to some people if I try at it a little.

There should be another entry at some point soon, either later this hour or at some point tonight, see you later cyberspace.

Anxiety

Morning cyberspacers, I'm not in such a mood this morning to greet you all with "Good morning.".

Resolving to be less critical of myself isn't working so well thus far. Last night I was up past midnight doing homework, which I still didn't quite finish. Around 11 I realized that I hadn't made a lunch for today. My mother said she would do it for me in the morning. However, due to how slow she was moving this morning, and a serious addiction to the Word Challenge application on Facebook, I missed my first bus, the bus I usually have to take to get to school on time. I have a serious problem with being late to places. I'm honestly not sure why. It just causes me a large amount of anxiety. This morning was no different. In the layover time in between my on time bus and my late bus I began freaking out about being late for school. I hate that I let these actions cause me a major amount stressful anxiety, I should be able to control my thoughts on a situation more peacefully than what I tend to do when encounter these situations. I'm horrendously tired this morning due to the lack of sleep, and not in the greatest mood either caused by the fact that a rather large percentage of my clothing is dirty, including many things that I really would have liked to be able to wear today. I really need to do laundry... Only there are no quarters in my house for the washing machines...

My god, my thought process isn't linear at all this morning. I'm sorry for being this scatter brained, I'd much rather prefer to be functioning this morning at a higher compacity this morning than I am right now. I hope by this afternoon that I am functioning at a higher rate than I am right now. I almost just spelled right wrong, oh god I don't use chatspeak, why is my brain functioning like this! It's taken me the same amount of time to write somewhere around half or maybe two thirds of what I write usually. This is seriously not pleasing. I'm not happy with this.

In addition to working on being less critical of myself, I'd really like to post on here more often. My posts will end up being a mix of these usual posts of ramblings in the morning and the occasional memoirs that enter my mind. Such as tomorrow I will probably write about snow cones. I have a lot of entertaining experiences that include snow cones in one form or another.

Nothing for you to think about today cyberspacers, I'm too tired to apply thought to those ideas.

Taking A Break

Good morning cyberspacers, have you missed me?

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's
words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."
-- T.S. Eliot

I'm supposed to start today's post by musing over that quote. That actually falls into what I'm going to be trying to improve over the next year. I'd like to forget many of the mistakes I have made, starting fresh with new ideas and new beginnings free of the powerfully critical lens that I have formerly used to look at the majority of my life. This lens has been critical in the development of the mass stress that exists throughout my system. I claim that I don't care about the ideals that other people attempt to force on me, but when it comes down to the bare bones of my thoughts, it causes stress on me when I disappoint people. This year I'm going to attempt to do two things; I'd like to stop being so critical of myself and others, and I'd really like to work on not letting people down so much. That quote makes me think of the ideal of needing to let go, this is a new year, and I'd like to not let thoughts from the past hinder me in the world of this year.

During the break I have taken from writing I have been spending a lot of time with my family, in two different respects. The beginning of my break was spent with my mother's half of the family, and I truly and completely love them. They are the people that keep my head on straight at times when I start feeling like my mind is breaking down and I'm not quite sure what to do.

However, directly after my time was done with them I began to spend time with my father's half of the family. These are some of the people that cause the thought of my mind breaking down and my body splitting apart at the seams. I hadn't even arrived at their house yet when the criticism began. My uncle had come to pick me up from my house after spending a large chunk of the day with his friends. At some point in the car ride the conversation moved on to the topic of college. Now, in my mind I know I am going to college, I'm currently trying to decide in between going to an amazing arts school in Missouri where I would go into their fashion design program that breaks things down as far as creating your own textiles on a loom, or going the U of M where I would become a teacher, I'd like to become one of the teachers that I have personally been grateful for having in my life who show me the glory of things I have personally not understood previously, or help me pull through the times where I'm splitting at the seams. In our conversation I expressed these thoughts to him, soon discovering that this wasn't the best way to convey these thoughts. He immediately thought that this might not be the best idea to be picking what I'd like to do with the rest of my life, he personally thought he knew exactly what he wanted to do at my age, only to discover that he wasn't that happy with those ideas and picked a major that he was happy with, and had already covered a large amount of requirements for, half way through his junior year. The only thought running through my head was I'm not him, but I honestly did not express this idea in that form because I knew that it would only create more tension in the house as I spent the next several days at my grandmother's house. The next several days continued along these lines. My aunt would criticize my clothing choices, my actions, not acknowledge any of the accomplishments I made, my cousins would continue being the whiny little things that they are, my grandpa would get fed up with their actions, my uncle would try to control his children and fail miserably while in a matter of ten minutes I was able to convince them to behave relatively, and also convince them that my grandparents were able to talk to Santa so it was in the best thoughts to try and keep from irritating my grandfather. Christmas was overdone like any other year, presents reaching four feet away from the tree in some places. It was all together unpleasant, except for the presents that is, my relationship has broken down with them to the point that, the presents with them are the only thing that is worth spending time with them for. By the time I went home, I was an exhausted ball of stress, losing sleep, and all together elated to be back within my own four walls.

So cyberspacers, what have you been doing during my break? What thoughts run through your mind when you think of your family? I'll try to speak with you again tonight, considering that I need to have many more posts than are currently here.

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas"

Hey cyberspacers, it's almost Christmas.

Due to my family dynamic I had an early Christmas yesterday. I'm spending actual Christmas with my father's half of the family, but the one this weekend was my mother's half of the family. I don't think I've expressed quite enough how much I love my family. On Friday and Saturday I spent large amounts of time either playing video games or holding my new baby cousin. He is the cutest sweetest baby I have ever seen. For the majority of the time he was rather quiet, just looking around, which for being not a month old is pretty damn good to be awake for that long.

I also realized a little more about the magic of Christmas.

My cousin Kenzie is nine. She's one of those awesome kids that reads and reads and at her age still believes in Santa Claus. At somewhere around one am there were only 4 people left awake. I was getting tired and planning on going to sleep rather shortly. At that point I realized that the two people that usually set up all the christmas things for the morning had already gone into very heavy sleep. My uncles were in the basement playing darts, and this is the first year that that the other has spent Christmas with us. Until setting up that night I had never quite realised how much work everyone else goes through to make that magical. Setting that up was insane, but also a huge adrenaline rush for some reason.

So cyberspacers, how did you spend your saturday?

Lies, Lies, Lies

Today is more for thought cyberspacers.

For weeks I've been trying to think of how to talk about my blog title and the URL for it.

By this point I believe that the majority of you understand the title of "Thoughts from a Scattered Mind" already. It's referencing the idea that my mind often switches from one idea to the next almost to the point that I often have trouble focusing on one thing for very long. The writing this class has pushed me into seems at times as if it is actually helping my attention span. It's not as if I feel that my writing has improved by much, or my focus on a singular topic is lasting much longer, but writing is actually enjoyable again. There was a long period of time where I didn't enjoy writing anymore. I just didn't get at as much enjoyment from it as I did from acting, or sometimes drawing. I'm not sure why or how this happened, but I'm happy that I have gone back to being happy when I write. It's not like most of the work isn't being shredded or destroyed still, but more is being kept than before. So the title of "Thoughts from a Scattered Mind" is rather clear.

The URL is more complicated. I can't remember why I chose it at the time. Now I believe that the e-lies title I use in my URL has something to do with the fact that there are a large number of people on the internet that lie. They lie about their age, their height, their hobbies, their lives, and at times these things that they lie about can become poisonous to themselves or many others. People lie in their daily lives even about a large multitude of things. I believe this title was achieved due to the fact that I'm so damn tired of a large multitude of those lies. Saying that I am not a perpetrator of these lies would be a lie in and of itself. Everyone tells lies. Whether it is the keeping the magic of Santa Claus alive, or telling a child that their hamster ran away, or something much larger and much more virile. This title was reached by how fed up I am with these lies. The little white lies that are perpetuated to keep a child's hopes and dreams alive are for the most part fine. Other than that, these lies are starting to drive me insane. So the thought was that I will not be a perpetrator of these lies, I will not tell them to others and I will not put up with them either. So there is the truth behind the e-lies. It's almost sarcasm, I'm calling it electronic lies, but I refuse to tell them to the unseeing eye.

So there you go cyberspacers, I hope you enjoyed my explanation.