Taking A Break

Good morning cyberspacers, have you missed me?

"For last year's words belong to last year's language and next year's
words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."
-- T.S. Eliot

I'm supposed to start today's post by musing over that quote. That actually falls into what I'm going to be trying to improve over the next year. I'd like to forget many of the mistakes I have made, starting fresh with new ideas and new beginnings free of the powerfully critical lens that I have formerly used to look at the majority of my life. This lens has been critical in the development of the mass stress that exists throughout my system. I claim that I don't care about the ideals that other people attempt to force on me, but when it comes down to the bare bones of my thoughts, it causes stress on me when I disappoint people. This year I'm going to attempt to do two things; I'd like to stop being so critical of myself and others, and I'd really like to work on not letting people down so much. That quote makes me think of the ideal of needing to let go, this is a new year, and I'd like to not let thoughts from the past hinder me in the world of this year.

During the break I have taken from writing I have been spending a lot of time with my family, in two different respects. The beginning of my break was spent with my mother's half of the family, and I truly and completely love them. They are the people that keep my head on straight at times when I start feeling like my mind is breaking down and I'm not quite sure what to do.

However, directly after my time was done with them I began to spend time with my father's half of the family. These are some of the people that cause the thought of my mind breaking down and my body splitting apart at the seams. I hadn't even arrived at their house yet when the criticism began. My uncle had come to pick me up from my house after spending a large chunk of the day with his friends. At some point in the car ride the conversation moved on to the topic of college. Now, in my mind I know I am going to college, I'm currently trying to decide in between going to an amazing arts school in Missouri where I would go into their fashion design program that breaks things down as far as creating your own textiles on a loom, or going the U of M where I would become a teacher, I'd like to become one of the teachers that I have personally been grateful for having in my life who show me the glory of things I have personally not understood previously, or help me pull through the times where I'm splitting at the seams. In our conversation I expressed these thoughts to him, soon discovering that this wasn't the best way to convey these thoughts. He immediately thought that this might not be the best idea to be picking what I'd like to do with the rest of my life, he personally thought he knew exactly what he wanted to do at my age, only to discover that he wasn't that happy with those ideas and picked a major that he was happy with, and had already covered a large amount of requirements for, half way through his junior year. The only thought running through my head was I'm not him, but I honestly did not express this idea in that form because I knew that it would only create more tension in the house as I spent the next several days at my grandmother's house. The next several days continued along these lines. My aunt would criticize my clothing choices, my actions, not acknowledge any of the accomplishments I made, my cousins would continue being the whiny little things that they are, my grandpa would get fed up with their actions, my uncle would try to control his children and fail miserably while in a matter of ten minutes I was able to convince them to behave relatively, and also convince them that my grandparents were able to talk to Santa so it was in the best thoughts to try and keep from irritating my grandfather. Christmas was overdone like any other year, presents reaching four feet away from the tree in some places. It was all together unpleasant, except for the presents that is, my relationship has broken down with them to the point that, the presents with them are the only thing that is worth spending time with them for. By the time I went home, I was an exhausted ball of stress, losing sleep, and all together elated to be back within my own four walls.

So cyberspacers, what have you been doing during my break? What thoughts run through your mind when you think of your family? I'll try to speak with you again tonight, considering that I need to have many more posts than are currently here.